Pro- vs re- which is nothing like Roe vs Wade. Although. It may be but I have no idea because I didn’t pay attention in class those days.
That’s just it. I’m learning. I’m growing, and I’m trying to get my shit together. Floating through life isn’t always going to work and I see that road is coming short reeeeaaallly quickly.
I have been proactive in a few things in life, and although important places, seemingly very few. Birth control = proactive. Doctor visits, immunizations, insurance = proactive. That is about it or at least all I can think of.
I had a eureka moment today and it wasn’t where I usually have them. It was that kind of moment when you are trying to do a puzzle and you are working on something and you find a few pieces that fit because of one you just placed. It was just like that.
A flurry of thoughts fell in to place after a bit of work. Those first few pieces were work. The rest fit in place but mistake not: there is only work from here on in, but hopefully more productive. Huh…pro…giggle.
So here’s the deal. I had a case of the I-couldn’t-care-lesses today which is funny because my boss was on my ass last week. Not telling me anything I didn’t know but at the same time nothing I wanted to hear.
I decided to battle myself today though. Instead of just giving up, giving in and calling it a day at 9am, I kept pushing. I kept telling myself to do just one more thing. One more call. One more whatever. I hate confrontation with my claimants. I hate calling and asking for shit even though we really need it. I hate battling and often I wish I could respond to the ‘Why do you need this?’ question with: ‘cuz I do.’
So I made a phone call. They were not home but I left a message. I had an inkling though. I took the first step. Now they have to call back. And if not? I’ll call again. But I took the first step. Now they know we need something.
It sounds so simple and I bet it is to everyone but me. I just had to take the first step. It has been a while. I think I relish too much in what I have done and I forget there is so much left. So much work to be done. So much time left. I never thought I would grow up…ok, debatable that I have, but I never thought I would be an adult. There’s no guide for this.
So anyway I kept doing just one more thing. Yes, there were a few sections of time that I wasn’t productive, but overall? A good day. A better day than most. At the end of the day someone called in. I never take those calls. Truth be told, I rarely take calls. I wait for a message then call back so I can be prepared for the conversation. Guess what? That never works.
So I picked up the phone. Had the conversation and hung up. I then documented the call. I didn’t put it off until tomorrow and then push it again. For what?! Why?! So I did it. Less documentation. Less chasing. Less work in the long run, actually.
On the way home I realized that I have spent ridiculous amounts of time and effort avoiding things rather than if I just did it. I truly felt like I had just gotten smacked. Like, holy shit, really?! It’s THAT simple?!
Then I got home and the comparison of proactive vs reactive continued as I looked around. Laundry…well, reactive. The clothes need to get dirty before they are washed. Ok. Nothing to be gained there. Then I hit a gold mine. Trash. I am habitually late for work on Tuesdays because I never get the trash ready Monday night. Ever. So I decided to clean out the fridge (which is another story entirely) and take out the trash. You know what? It felt good.
As far as work goes, I started working harder last week. But I wasn’t convinced. I would work 1/2 as long as everyone else and get done what I thought they had. Maybe that is the case. Maybe not. But I left work today not dreading tomorrow. I left work starting to think that maybe I can do the one thing that I have put off for longer than is even remotely acceptable.
I know this sounds wishy-washy but you have to understand that this is the first night I have left not thinking how to avoid that one thing tomorrow.
In hindsight, I think this has been going on for a month at least, if not a few. I have begun to see the benefits. I have felt proud…well…proud may be pushing it but I am not embarrassed. I would not worry if someone worked my files. I am not afraid.
You know what? That’s it right there. I am no longer afraid. Work was almost a form of self harm, of self abuse, of self sabotage and today I am safe. Today I was safe from myself. Today I have no reason to put myself down.
I need a moment for that.
I have been used to things being taken away from me so, so long ago and for such a long time that I just kept doing that in my own quiet way, I think. I would push and push and fix everything at the last minute but no more.
I have too much to lose and too much to gain by doing things right. Most importantly, I have self confidence and self worth to gain. There is no price that can be put on that.