I was thinking of grabbing some Thai today because my food spoiled as there was no power here last night. I caught myself thinking, ‘I’m glad I can do what I want.’ Although getting Thai food isn’t particularly righteous, I shouldn’t have had that thought. That isn’t how relationships should be. I think of you and how many times I don’t even know of that you would like to do something and you choose not to because k wants something or because something is expected of you. My heart breaks for you. I cannot get past how much you used to do with the guys that you no longer do. How much alone time you had that you no longer do. Yes, how much time we had, but we seem to be getting that back. We seem to be seeing each other much more frequently which is fine by me.
We feel healthier, to me, when we are able to visit and to verbally share.
I understand that I am not single. Maybe in your eyes I am but not mine. We have had talks, we have had conversations. I am in a relationship with you. Our relationship is different in that we … in that a lot of things, I guess. I just don’t feel like you would tell me I can’t get Thai. Then again, I would have asked you already if you wanted any or what you would like to have for lunch/dinner/anything. Which makes me think. Which makes me realize that I would not give that which I am fearful to receive.
My head swirls. A jumble of thoughts. A fractal of things to ponder and ‘openness’ gets pushed to the front. That is the only way. Without that there is nothing, certainly nothing healthy. I have been on the receiving end of that and the relationship was useless. It was damaging. It was expensive to me emotionally. That is one of the few things I will ever ask of you is openness. If you ever become unattracted to me, tell me. If you need something, let me know. If I have done something you don’t care for or if something in life bothers you, I’m all ears. If there is something you wish to share about yourself that you are not happy about, come to me. Withholding the truth, omission of facts, please never to me. Never be less than open with me. I will process, deal, and keep functioning no matter what words come my way. Keeping information internally doesn’t usually treat the holder well either. It becomes a prison in which we live that we forget how to get out of. It becomes our existence and we run the risk of becoming nervous and not trusting ourselves, even, and thinking there is no one with whom we can be open.
Honesty, truth, facts. I feed off of those. I grow in the presence of these things. I think we all do. We grow when we receive these feelings and actions but we also grow when we give them away to others. It is a very symbiotic relationship, I have found. So isn’t laughing and thankfully we do that well together.
Be well today and may the truth take you where you need to go.